ASP wk7 Wrap up BITCHY

 This wrap took a min to write bc I just didn't/don't wanna. I don't know how, don't have th spoons to word this eloquently, and then theres a lil tea, I'm bearing soul again. 

This week, my big beautiful baby girl Charlie was put to rest. Charlie is a Great Dane, who we were absolutely blessed to share 11yrs with. In Dane years that is an extraordinary privilege. 

Tuesday was odd. I spent th early morning fighting all these signs to stay home. So many lil inconveniences, lil road blocks, gentle lil signs to stay home. I heard th universe gently saying, its OK to sit this one out, but in my true self degrading style, I pushed through, told myself I was just being over sensitive sook bc we were saying goodbye to Charlie on th Thursday. 

I push through all these weird moments, finally get there after th hour n a half on th train, and walking,....and.. 

NO FACILITATOR!!! 

ARE YOU FUKING KIDDING ME! 

Th fuk. I was so pissed at myself for not listening to th universal whispers. I was also more than mildly erked at th communication fuk up too.

In some way it feels odd to talk about this, like I'm casting shade, rocking th boat, but there's a thing in that feeling. That feel needs to fuk off. This situation, when something happens, you recall th actions, but then your in th wrong for saying what happened, how that made you feel, like it shouldn't be talked about or brought up, bc it makes them look bad bc it's a negative experience - this is trauma. This feeling is a trauma response. This feeling is a trained reaction from domestic violence, and/or Toxic Masculinity, and basically th patriarchal thing that says we should be good quiet people. I need therapy because this shit never goes away. My head echo's, it really wasn't that bigga deal, your being dramatic, just leave it out, say "oops" then move on, again another learned behavior. 

This is my wrap up of this week, this is what happened, and in th grand scheme of things it matters bc patterns of behavior matter.

Our facilitator never arrived. After a while we spoke with who ever we saw heading towards th office hoping someone knew something. Th Farm manager was either just starting in that role that week, or due to start officially th following week, and weren't sure what was going on either, they saw there was a note on white board in office saying he wouldn't be in, then they were able to call him. His take, he told us he wouldn't be there. Out of th three participants, not one of us recalled this. Any time any man says "I told you that", whether they did or not, there's just better ways to use language. It borders on/akin to Toxic Masculinity, Gaslighting, and is closed communication.

On this course I've heard it a few times, and this energy right here, near had me walking away. But not just from this one moment. This energy has presented a few times. On th first day for example, I asked if we would attend through school holidays, he said wait till th others are here, then a while later I asked again and was told we had already spoken about it. We had not! Speaking about something and th message getting through, questions being answered clearly, are not th same fucking thing. This energy. It's got me like, ok, so from here on in I have to be assertive, boarding aggressive to be heard, and I have to keep repeating th same question until i feel I have a clear understanding. I still don't have a finishing date. First I was told November, - I questioned it was 12month course, then told January, then February. 

I want to add that one of th passers-bys was immaculate in their use of language. I wish I could remember her name. Within two or three sentences, she had used her language in a way that made me feel heard, valid in my frustration, and calm to move forward with our day. Her energy was shiny and weightless. 

We used this opportunity to give feedback to th Farm manager of a few things that have come up, like th lack of course plan. Th feedback was passed on and by lunch there was a fb group created for communication, and reminders. We have a clearly out lined communication rank. I Also grabbed everyone's phone numbers, and I will back every important info thing up with an email. As a learning tool of how to teach, this has cementing a few things that I will avoid, and I will be clear with time lines, and any intentions of changes. 

So onward and upward, we were given instruction to weed a market bed. By this time it was pretty bloddy hot, and as we had been previously informed Tuesdays would be theory says, we were not expecting in sun work. One member walked straight up, and I honestly did not blame them one bit. If I had have drove in I would have to. But at this stage I still wasn't ready to get back on th train.

Down to two, we weeded a over grown market bed, took a long shade break, weeded th next market bed, then called it a day. 

Our long shade break was such a gift. We sat on this massive mosaic circle, talked shit, created at tiny little 'Bon fire' to keep us cool, and enjoyed th moments. 

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Later our facilitator posted in our group he purchased diaries and a big not book for each participant do we can keep track of things. While I get this was not clear to him at th time, or his intention, but after telling us he told us a thing that non of us recall, an energy I'd previously felt, buying us diaries and a note book so that 'we can keep track' , felt like toxic shit straight up. I brought two diaries for this course bc he said we are expected to journal! Two! One to show I was doing it and one for how I really feel about th journey. Plus I'm blogging it. I also have several note books just for th course. I have been writing down pretty much every thing he says.

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Like with our first round of home work, I wrote down what was expected, what he said.... and then when I asked through th week if I could just send th file, bc it was easier to do as doc rather than hand write, he now says he expects print outs and wk2 he advised th others th new expectations to do theirs as docs too, with print out. what a waste of paper and ink. an expense i will not do. So this on its own was a flag for saying one thing, seeing a different way, then acting like that was their plan/idea th whole time. this energy right here! 

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